The delicious tidbits of Hogwarts: A History
by Glaceregina
Summary: As the confusion unclouded, James looked up to see where his pie had gone. And immediately froze.Chap1 is separate from 2 and 3.
1. Dormitories? Lovin? What the?

The delicious tidbits of Hogwarts: A History

Hermione was bored.

Hermione is on Hogwarts Express.

Hermione is reading Hogwarts: A History

(Which we will now call HaH because I want to. The fact that I'm lazy is not the point.)

Hermione likes HaH.

Hermione _lurves _HaH.

In fact, that's why she was reading HaH.

Hermione is up to Chapter 7.

Hermione finishes reading HaH.

Hermione has been greatly enlightened.

Hermione leaves.

Hermione forgets to take HaH with her.

Hermione is bored.

Poor HaH.

Poor Poor HaH

Poor Poor Poor HaH.

Poor Poor Poor Unsuspecting HaH. (with the mysterious wet stain on the left corner)

Poor HaH.

Harry is Bored.

Harry is on Hogwarts Express.

Harry finds HaH.

"Ha?" says Ron.

"No, HaH" says Harry

"K" says Ron.

Ron leaves.

Harry is still Bored.

Harry looks at HaH.

Harry _stares _at HaH.

Harry thinks Blasphemous thoughts.

Blasphemous to the code of everyone except Hermione.

And Lily.

And Voldemort.

But Harry doesn't know that.

No, that will come later.

Harry still stares at HaH.

Harry thinks _more_ Blasphemous thoughts.

Harry agrees with his thoughts.

Not knowing that it is actually Voldemort's thoughts.

Harry _still_ agrees with his thoughts,

And picks up HaH.

"Oh the Blasphemy of it all!" says everyone except Hermione, Voldie, Lily and Harry. (Hey they all end in the sound "EE"! But that is also beside the point.)

"Shut up!" says Glaceregina.

Everyone except Hermione, Voldie, Lily and Harry. (Hey they all end in- wait, I just said that!) promptly shuts up.

Harry opens HaH.

Harry starts to read HaH

Harry is up to Chapter 7.

Harry finishes reading HaH.

Harry has been greatly enlightened.

Harry pauses.

Harry blinks.

Harry's eyes Widen.

As he realises what he just read.

Harry's eyes Widen even further.

And further.

And further.

And further.

Until all that is left of his Face,

Is 2 gigantic Eyes.

Harry drops HaH.

"Ouch!" says HaH.

But Harry isn't paying attention.

Harry opens his mouth.

Harry screams.

In a very man-like way, of course.

Harry has stopped screaming.

There are now 6 people on the train who are temporarily deaf.

In the left ear.

Because they were too close to Harry's screams.

Which were very man-like, of course.

Harry snatches up HaH.

Harry immediately looks disgusted.

Because he snatched the mysterious wet stain on the left corner.

Harry drops HaH,

Then snatches it up again.

This time snatching a drier part of HaH.

With trembling hands, Harry opens HaH.

And reads through it,

Slowly, this time.

Harry notes the Chapters in Hah

Chapter 1: The Four Founders

Chapter 2: The Beginning of Hogwarts

Chapter 3: The First Teachers and Pupils

Chapter 4: The Development

Chapter 5: The Introduction of More Arcane Magics

Chapter 6: The Castles Design

Chapter 7: How to get some lovin' in the dormitories-What the Hell!

Harry is shocked.

Harry is stunned.

Harry is taken aback.

Harry is staggered.

Harry is dazed.

But above all,

Harry is intrigued.

Harry finishes reading HaH.

Again.

But slowly, this time.

Harry can not possibly remember everything he has learnt.

But one thing stands clear in his mind.

He now knows why Hermione likes HaH.

He now knows why Hermione _lurves_ HaH.

Hermione is _definitely _kinky.

Not like Hermione at all.

Strange.

Very Strange.

Very, Very Strange.

But entirely acceptable.

If he manages to get himself and Hermione in a dormitory.

Alone.

Harry shoves HaH in his robes

Harry gets of Hogwarts Express

Harry meets Hermione in the Great Hall.

Harry places HaH in Hermione's Hands.

Hermione is surprised.

But thankful.

Hermione has been wondering where HaH was.

Because Hermione was bored.

Harry leans toward Hermione.

"Have you read Chapter 7 recently?" murmurs Harry

Hermione jerks abruptly.

Hermione is no longer surprised.

No, Hermione is shocked.

Hermione is stunned.

Hermione is taken aback.

Hermione is staggered.

Hermione is dazed.

But above all,

Hermione is intrigued.

Hermione nods slowly.

Harry smirks.

"If you meet me in one of the spare dormitories, I could test you," offers Harry.

Hermione nods slowly.

Hermione smirks.

Hermione is no longer bored.

A/N. This my first fic. More chapters later.


	2. The real Fluffy's Plot

The delicious tidbits of Hogwarts: A History

Chappie Number Two after extensive deliberation. This story format will be different from chappie one.

Some 20 -30 years in the past.

Part One.

Lily is an Evans.

Lily Evans

Her name is Lily Evans

James is a Potter

James Potter

His name is James Potter

James Potter likes Lily Evans

He thinks that Lily Evans is a nice name. (To put it _very_ mildly. I believe his exact words were gorgeous, wonderful, beautiful, stunning, striking- you get the idea)

But,

He thinks that Lily Potter is a much nicer name. (To put it _very_ mildly. I believe his exact words were gorgeous, wonderful, beautiful, stunning, striking- you get the idea)

Join James on his endeavour in his seventh year to make

Lily Evans

Lily Potter

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

Lily Evans was bored.

Lily is at Hogwarts.

Lily is at Hogwarts,

In Hogwarts boys toilets.

On the third corridor,

Of the Fourth Floor,

The fifth Door

To the left.

Okay fine, I lied.

Lily Evans was _not_ bored.

In fact, she was about as far from bored as you could get.

Why?

Because Lily Evans was reading something interesting

Reading something very interesting.

Reading something very _Very_ interesting.

What was she reading?

She was reading Hah.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

James potter was bored.

And yes, that was a big fat porker of a lie too.

Because James Potter is never bored.

Why?

Because of a thing the Marauders like to call…

**FOOD! **

Who are the Marauders?

They are:

James Potter, the boy who is bored and not bored because he is never bored

Remus Lupin, the smart one.

Sirius black, the dumb one. But handsome.

Peter Pettigrew, the dumber one.

But this one's not handsome by any stretch of the imagination.

And.

**FLUFFY!**

The duck.

The _yellow_ duck

The _yellow **rubber**_ duck

The _yellow **rubber squeaky**_ duck

That really isn't fluffy at all.

But is evil. Oooh yes, very evil. Very very evil-muahahahahahahaha….!

Erm…right.

…Movin' on!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

Now what on earth was Lily Evans doing in the boy's toilets, you may ask. And even if you're not asking, I'm gonna tell you anyway.

So Hah. No pun intended. No pun in ten did. No pun-I'll just stop shall I?

What Lily Evans was doing is the boy's toilets was…

Reading Hah!

No –seriously- what she was _really _doing was…

Organising secret cult of Hah worshippers!

(Looming, Dooming, Doom music switches on at this point)

"Now I call order to the third meeting of The Secret Cult of Hah Worshippers to Order!" Lily, well, called.

"But this is our first meeting!" yelled Hah Fanatic #1.

Murmurs of agreement all round.

"And 'The Secret Cult of Hah Worshippers' is a crappy name!" yelled Hah Fanatic #2.

More murmurs of agreement all round.

"I like the number three!" Lily snapped at Hah Fanatic #1. "And I declare that each meeting number shall contain only the number three!"

"Don't we get to vote on that?" Hah Fanatic #15 asked.

"No!" Lily answered.

"But that's not fair!" Hah Fanatic #27 whined.

Even more murmurs of agreement all round.

"I'm leaving!" threatens Hah Fanatic #34.

"Okay, Okay, fine," Lily says hastily. "Why don't we vote on the name instead?"

Fervent murmurs of agreement all round.

"Okay, who's got some ides?"

No murmurs of agreement all round.

"You don't have any ideas?" Lily said incredulously.

Silent murmurs of embarrassment all round.

Lily flicked her golden red hair in severe irritation. She hollered out in exasperation.

"Now I _demand_ order to the_ third_ meeting of _The Secret Cult of Hah Worshippers_!"

(Looming, Dooming, Doom music switches off at this point. Ominous Dominatrix music is played softly in the background.)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

Over at the other side of the school,

On the Seventh floor,

In Gryffindor tower,

In a boy's dormitory,

A very different kind of meeting took place.

"Now I call order to the Seventy-seventh meeting of The Marauders" Remus roared over the messy confusion that was the seventh year dormitories. He was sure peter was buried in there _somewhere_…

"Calling order, Moony! You ain't can not don't do that!" Sirius yelled as he simultaneously clobbered one James Potter on the head with a baguette, toppled the last bed standing upright in the dorm (Remus's) and squashed a sealed packet of Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans, which, thanks to Sirius's big feet, immediately burst and sprayed out multi coloured bullets of sugar.

James yelped with pain as the deadly bread made contact with his ever messy jet hair, then whirled around, used one hand to scoop up some beans and cram them in to his mouth, and the other to shove a lemon meringue pie into Sirius's face.

Except that…James was standing on Remus's bed when he threw the pie, and thanks to Sirius, the bed toppled, and as the bed toppled, James was thrown to the ground, and his aim and mark was significantly lowered.

Very significantly lowered.

As the confusion unclouded, James looked up to see where his pie had gone.

And immediately froze.

"Stop botching up the poor, poor English language, Si-ri…us…" Remus began scolding but drifted off as even he, Mr. Walking Library, realized what had happened.

Even he, Mr. Walking Library, recognised that there are some things guys do.

And there are some things guys just _DON'T_ do.

And that he concluded, as he, James, the newly resurfaced Peter, and Sirius, stared at the final destination of that lemon meringue pie, was one of them.

"Oh _Merlin_, mate!" A slightly hysterical James broke in the silent staring. " I'm sorry! Padfoot, I swear-"

"You-you-" Lost for words, Sirius pointed at himself. Yes, down there.

"You just chucked- banana meringue pie- at-at-"

"Actually it's _lemon_ meringue pie-"Peter began to explain.

"You?" James tried to help Sirius.

"You!" Sirius agreed.

"-with whipped cream-" Peter continued.

"You!" James ascertained.

"-and cinnamon swirls-"

"You!" Sirius roared happily. Then suddenly remembering exactly why he had pie all over his…lower regions, and that he was supposed to be very pissed at James-

"YOU!"

"Uh oh," James whimpered.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

(Ominous Dominatrix music still playing softly in the background.)

"Now we shall all search for hidden innuendos in Chapter…" Lily scanned the contents chapter of Hah.

(Not that she hadn't already memorised it off by heart.)

Chapter 1: The Four Founders

Chapter 2: The Beginning of Hogwarts

Chapter 3: The First Teachers and Pupils

Chapter 4: The Development

Chapter 5: The Introduction of More Arcane Magics

Chapter 6: The Castles Design

Chapter 7: How to get some lovin' in the dormitories

Chapter 8: Various Protection Charms.

Chapter 9: Hogwarts's Hotspots- now that looked promising. But first…

"…Three, she continued. Yup, people relations were always important. "And we shall also study Chapter 9."

She looked at all the enthralled faces of the Hah Fanatics, each with there own well used copies of Hah. Yup, looks like Hah's parents got _really_ busy. Erm…not that you needed to know that.

"Now, I think we should have a good look at the unused classrooms and good positions on the desk…turn to page 345 everyone…"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

"Oh, gods," one Remus 'Moony' John Lupin moaned as he surveyed his immediate settings. As havocish as it was, Remus, being Remus, decided to make a list.

Sirius was conjuring lemon meringue pies and hurling them at James in rapid succession.

James was yelping in rapid succession.

Peter had re-hidden himself in mess. Unfortunate, his plans for escape failed as he was repeatedly trampled by Sirius and James

The Seventy-seventh meeting of The Marauders had been abruptly aborted.

Order had been cruelly massacred.

And, as almost an after thought,

He had no idea where the fifth marauder was…

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

Now I will introduce a new character into the story. Only he isn't very new, seeing as we have met him before. Do you remember?

Let me jog your memories.

**FLUFFY!**

The duck.

The _yellow_ duck

The _yellow **rubber**_ duck

The _yellow **rubber squeaky**_ duck

That really isn't fluffy at all.

But is evil. Oooh yes, very evil. Very very evil-muahahahaha- but more time for muahahaing later-getting back on track-

Now Fluffy, also not known as the fifth marauder, had a decidedly evil plan. He had listened long enough about Lily's desperate attempts to evade James by forming some secret cult, and James's desperate attempts to make Lily a Potter. And he had had enough.

He was going to-dramatic pause-get them together!

Evil, isn't he?

But, that was no easy accomplishment! No, he needed a weapon.

And his eyes fell upon a battered,_ bookish_, object.

He quacked in an evil way.

Yup, he was gonna get them together and he was gonna use Hah to do it.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha


	3. Remus the All knowing

The delicious tidbits of Hogwarts: A History

Chappie Number three after more extensive deliberation.

_Still_ Some 20 -30 years in the past.

Part Two.

Remus waved his slightly smudged with lemon meringue wand- he'd get Sirius back for that later-one last time. Then, turning his head from side to side, he looked at his handiwork somewhat admiringly. And made another list. Because Remus likes lists.

All edible missiles were on the floor, thankfully motionless.

James was hanging by his ankle from the ceiling, with an expression on his face like a stunned fish and his mouth stained rainbow.

Sirius was hanging by his ponytail, also on the ceiling. Having been silencio-ed, he was mouthing over and over again with an air of extreme horror and ultimate betrayal 'My hair, holy Merlin, my hair! Moooonyyyy-How could you!'

Now was the time to extract yet _another_ oath of no harm…

"All right guys, listen up! Yes, you too, Padfoot," Remus said while levelling his wand at him threateningly. Sirius shut his mouth with a snap.

"Now , I want you to swear to me by the Marauder's Map that you'll," here Remus promptly summoned said object and, with another flick of his wand force both Sirous and James's hands on it, "stop fighting and be sensible…to the best of your capabilities, anyway."

He gave them a moment to digest this. Well, not exactly a moment, more like 4 minutes. See, Remus had, upon the discovery of the fact that he'd be spending many years with the two miscreants known as Padfoot and Prongs, worked out their mental processing capabilities. In a list, of course. Here's a sample.

All words 8 or less letter's long: 10 seconds

All words more than 8: 15 seconds

All word with more than one meaning: 20 seconds

Most words that are related to food: instantaneous. 'Most being' because Sirius still had trouble with 'pineapple'.

All words that have been said to them more than 10 times in the past: minus 5 seconds

So since the longest word had been 'capabilities' which had 12 letter's, and he had said that word to them over ten times in the past, that would mean their last ten seconds was up.

Remus looked at them. Sirius was glaring at him. James still looked like a stunned fish. Remus sighed; this could take a while.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

(Ominous Dominatrix music currently on Hiatus)

Lily Evans was on the prowl. Having dismissed the Hah fanatics, and left the boy's bathroom, she sauntered along the torch lit corridors, humming a little lullaby dreamily, swinging her hips as she strolled. All under Hah's instruction, of course.

What was she trying to do? Well, she was testing out Hah's theory- not that she didn't believe Hah. After rememorising Chapter 9, she moved on to Chapter 11, like any good leader of a secret cult of Hah fanatics. Not that I know the behavioural standards of leaders of secret cults of Hah fanatics or anything.

Chapter 1: The Four Founders

Chapter 2: The Beginning of Hogwarts

Chapter 3: The First Teachers and Pupils

Chapter 4: The Development

Chapter 5: The Introduction of More Arcane Magics

Chapter 6: The Castles Design

Chapter 7: How to get some lovin' in the dormitories

Chapter 8: Various Protection Charms.

Chapter 9: Hogwarts's Hotspots

Chapter 10: Aphrodisiacs found in the Kitchen

Chapter 11: Movements to make Magic

Upon reaching the Fat Lady she paused, and said, "Conundrum" (because it is my word of the day. Because I say it is the word of the day. So there.) And kept right on with the sauntering. Into the Common Room, I mean.

The room, bedecked in crimson and gold hangings, was empty. Perfect. For practising various struts and poses, anyway. After banishing some ten odd oak tables and squashy couches out of her way, Lily pivoted slowly on the spot, determining the best place to start. Hah had said that the light could be used to an advantage in highlighting certain lush curves of the-

Thud!

Lily's head whipped up, her sharp eyes searching for the perpetrator. She went still, like a lioness in jungle, prowling in the search of food-glorious food, snapping her powerful jaws over a hapless- whoa! Okay, that's it! No more animal documentaries for me!

Back to the story!

She went still, waiting for another sound. Then, after a few more seconds, she relaxed, and focused her mind back on Chapter 11. She had work to do.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Remus smiled wanly. His energy was spent. He eyed the lopsided hanging clock just above the door to see how long the convincing had taken _this_ time. After a few mental calculations, he inwardly groaned. 29 minutes- a new record. He took a bit of solace in the fact that this clock that remained perfectly pristine, because of a small but efficient shielding charm he had put around it so he could always see the time- wait- no-that wasn't- a _lemon meringue pie smudge was it!_ He stared at the slightly- but nonetheless- smudged time keeping device known as a clock, and then at Sirius-who was smirking triumphantly, then at the clock again, and slowly shook his head. He probed his shield for a break and upon finding none, he sighed resignedly. Trust Sirius to defy the rules of magic by breaking through an intact barrier just because they were rules.

"Pretty good, innit?" Sirius said smugly, clapping one hand on Remus's back. "Took a bit of doin'- but yet again- nothin' can resist the charms of Sirius Black!"

"Sirius…" Remus began.

"Yes?" Sirius asked innocently, quirking one eyebrow up.

"Remove your hand from my back."

"Well, geez," Sirius backed of, looking hurt, "No need to get touchy there."

Remus rolled his eyes, decidedly ignoring Sirius's pretend pain. "And the 'Punk Princess' sticker you've put on there," he said pointedly. Sirius's smirk just grew as he snatched the prank sticker of Remus's back.

"Ya ain't can blame me for tryin' can ya?"

"I suppose not"

" Knew you'd see it my way!"

Remus rolled his eyes and resurveyed the room. It looked like everything- however messy- was accounted for. There were four beds, four trunks, four tables, one clock, three marauders- _Three!_

Clenching his teeth together, Remus glared at the debris covered floor.

"All right," he began, conjuring up shovels and tossing them at James and Sirius, "Start digging."

"Start wha-?"

"Start digging," Remus repeated, giving the room a look of grim determination.

"Peter's got to be under there somewhere."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

A/N Sorry for not updating for such a long time! Inexcusable, I know. Thus, I will not try.

Thanx to:

PaintedBlank

A.M.Black

MioneJ.G

Lierian

Neko-Emi-chan

sapphire espeon

Kailos

raven's husband

oceam

For reviewing!


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